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Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:
- My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.
- I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing
them.
- When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply
will be, ``No, just sensible.''
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
`No.'' and shoot him.
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried
out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not
Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be
labelled as such.
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies
wouldn't believe it.
- I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
``mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
plan into operation.
- I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
caused.
- I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know.''
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.
- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
her own father.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
- I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs
that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
troops to have a more positive mind-set.
- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy
weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of
savages armed with spears and rocks.
- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
to my bedchamber.
- I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
times.
- If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the
defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my
inner sanctum to attempt this.
- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
- Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,
I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy
enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason.
- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My
foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
source of comic relief.
- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
- Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through
self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.
- I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some
monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to
know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That
way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes
along.
- I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will
be reserved for formal occasions.
- I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.
- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
- If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
- If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards
me in my old age.
- If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.
- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.
- I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
being executed.
- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
- I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable'' spells that
can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
- I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general
screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here
is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random
underling.
- If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the advisor.
- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
him to mature.
- I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever
broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
- If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the
local paper.
- My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
- I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized.
While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the
masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
- If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
- If the beautiful princess that I captures says ``I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and
kill her.
- I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
- The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first
see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
attention.
- My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used
for target practice.
- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
- I'll never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
seconds, it will not be used.
- If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
- I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
- I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
firefight.
- I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers
are dead.
- Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames
going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
- I will see a competant psychiatrist and get cured of all
extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could
prove to be a disadvantage.
- If I must have computer systems with publically available
terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
Sewage Overflow Containment.
- My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.
- If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing
bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
- No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will
be instructed to treat every surveillence camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
- I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
they'd better save my life again.
- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
access.
If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please
e-mail me. (Suggestion may be summarily rejected or edited without
your permission. What do you expect from an EVIL Overlord?)
I wish to thank the following contributors to this list who, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord, will be named as lieutenants -- but
not trusted lieutenants -- in my legions of terror:
* David Borcherding
* Paul Dietrich
* Mario Di Giacomo
* Chris Dunham
* Jon Fowlkes
* Ward Griffiths
* Dave Harper
* Julie Helmer
* Curtis M Johnson
* Ramin Kamal
* Edmund Kao
* Terran Lane
* Michael Lorton
* Mike Marano
* Christy Marx
* Kevin Meehan
* Pete Meyers (Wasser)
* Mark Minisi
* Jesse Mundis
* CL Murphy
* Mark Musante
* Joel Polowin
* Zed Rational
* Peter Scott Rogers
* Lucas Schofield
* John & Donna Spert
* Katherine Teague
* L. J. Tomsho
* Taldin the Blue Unicorn
* Jae Walker
* Monika Weikel
* Bill Woods
* baldycotton@mindspring.com
* g.kenter@genie.com
* rsledge@spry.com
I would also like to proclaim "Hercules", "Xena", "Sinbad", "Tarzan",
and "Robin Hood" to be the Official Television Shows of the Evil
Overlord List. Their repeated efforts to illustrate why Evil
Overlords need such a list serve as examples to us all.